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Thirty-million-dollar special-effects creature
used in "Lobster Man From Mars"

"Lobster Man From Mars," is a ripoff of "The Producers," only instead of two Broadway producers trying to make a flop stageplay, it's Tony Curtis as a Hollywood studio head trying to get a big tax write-off. In walks a kid named Stevie Horowitz with a film called "Lobster Man From Mars," and into the screening room we go for the movie-within-a-movie. With bad music, bad narration, bad acting, and a bad idea, the result is...

A hysterically funny bad movie. Mars is running out of air. The King of Mars is an old Jewish guy with a lisp who has to ask a brain in a jar what to do about it--and so they decide to send the "dreaded" Lobster Man, who looks like a Green Bay Packers lineman with claws doing Kabuki Theater. The Lobster Man lands his flying saucer in a cave, sneaks into the trunk of a car, and starts eating motorists at random. Fortunately, Patrick Macnee is the professor studying Mars, and he knows that "The only kind of life that could survive there is a giant clam." Meanwhile, the Lobster Man is going into girls showers and turning people into zombies, and then, if one of the zombies eats bad food, his chest pops open and mutant baby bats fly out, and there's also a gorilla in a space helmet who's helping Lobster Man, and so the Army gets called in to try to flush the mutant bats down the toilet, but before they can do that Patrick Macnee decides they should lure the Lobster Man to Billy Barty's house, because underneath the house is a giant boiling spring, but it doesn't work and so the Lobster Man kidnaps Deborah Foreman, chains her up, and puts on a kimono, and then waits in Yellowstone Park for the Army to show up so he can steal a Jeep and lead them on a high-speed chase through . . . actually, I forgot exactly how this movie goes. It's great, though. Very funny movie.

No breasts. Eight dead bodies. Two motor vehicle chases. Wild-bat attacks. Gas-station attendant eating. Slime-spewing bat. Barbecued Billy Barty. Giant subjective-camera lobster claw. Flying saucer Fu. Old Faithful Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Patrick Macnee, as the outer-space crustacean expert, for saying "Their purpose is clear--maybe not to you, but to me" and "You think you can kill an alien space bat with BULLETS?"; Deborah Foreman, as the damsel in distress, for saying "It's all very simple! Bunny men from Neptune have invaded Mars!"; Tony Curtis, as the movie mogul, for saying "Lou, DO something about it!"; Tommy Sledge, as the detective who inspects giant lobster tracks and says "It means that either he escaped, or he walked backwards from the horizon to commit suicide in this bonfire"; Stanley Sheff, the director, because this is his very first flick; and, of course, S.D. Nemeth, as The Dreaded Lobster Man.

* * * * Four stars. Joe Bob says check it out.